CHAPTER 7 Reflections On Having Met Another Me

Texas in the summer can be crazy. The humidity is a major factor and you find yourself (as well as others you come in contact with), going about routine business in an almost apologetic way. Facades, put-ons, egos and exaggerated personalities are almost impossible to maintain and young salesmen who use these ploys suffer dreadfully at the hands of honest people. Put more succinctly; in the summertime in Texas, it's too damn hot for bullshit.

Temple, Texas is no different from any town its size, except for the people. It was here that I came within a few minutes of base insanity, dealing with reality on its own terms. I am convinced you see, that there are times in life when God just "messes" with you purely for the fun of it. He must have liked the name of Temple, Texas and decided it would be a nice place to show me something new about life as a door-to-door salesman. I had developed an "eye" for potential business. Rather than canvassing an entire block of houses, I would place myself in "that" state of mind which has no explanation - and watch for clues that would lead me to a home that showed a potential for encyclopedias. Often there would be toys in the yard, a new car, lots of magazines in the mailbox or sometimes just a certain "feeling" about the place. Salesmen were my best customers. They wanted to hear the pitch to see if they could apply it to their own products and more often than not, they bought. I approached a large white frame house on a hill which had none of those outstanding features at all. Perhaps that was what made it stand out in my mind. It had "that feeling" all over it. The door was answered by a perfectly average woman in her perfectly average early forties. She had hazel eyes, chestnut hair laced with grey and a nice gardener's tan.

I was about to go into my introductory "Nationwide Advertising Survey" pitch when she brushed aside my comments and shooed me in the door. There was nothing rude in her manner, it was just "Come on in". I did. As we walked toward the living room she mumbled "... will be ready in just a minute" and gestured toward the couch. Bewildered, I sat. When she came back into the room, she asked if I would like a drink of water or tea and made another comment about my being "early". It was here that I decided to take command of the situation. "Ma'am, could I speak with you and your husband together?" I asked. "He's busy right now" she eyed me fishily. I knew something was wrong here. Something of possibly epic proportions. I started into my pitch and explained to her that I needed to show her a picture of a TV product, but that her husband had to be present also. She smiled slightly as if I were making a joke. "Sure" she replied and left the room. She returned in less than a minute with a pleasant-looking gentleman who extended a handshake as I stood up. "Hi" he said. "Amy will be ready in just a little bit, I think you're a little early." I ignored the statement but I was suddenly aware that I was not controlling the situation in the least. "Sir" I said as we shook hands, "I am making a nationwide advertising survey here in Temple and I would like to show you a picture of something and have you tell me if you have ever seen it on TV."

The look on his face was that of an adult who was being forced to play in a child's game. "Er, sure Robert. What do you have?" he said. I choked. My head began to swim. Robert. Who the hell was Robert? I hadn't introduced myself yet but he had called me Robert as clearly as though he had called me Robert a dozen times. I was on the defensive. So were they. We eyed each other warily as I began my sales pitch. I heard him say something to his wife about my having a new job, that Amy should be a part of this and was she ready yet? I decided to level. Quick. I introduced myself and explained to these kind folks that I was an encyclopedia salesman working out of Ft. Worth. "Sure Robert" they replied. "Amy should be out in just a minute." The mother left the room hurriedly and the conversation became clumsily, man-to-man. We went eye-to-eye in short order. I kept an eye on the exit door. I displayed my drivers license and other identification, expecting to be thrown out immediately. He was incredulous. I was incredulous. I had a date it seems, with his daughter Amy in less than a half hour and we were definitely on a first-name basis throughout the family. He was astounded. I was not to leave the room or the house. Just sit. I sat as though I were in a pot of water about to boil.

When Amy came into the room I could hardly stand. She was bubbly, bouncy and cute as hell. I figured this would solve the confusion and teach the parents a valuable lesson about being better acquainted with the company their daughter kept. Wrong. Amy was plainly crazy about me. My mind raced. Maybe she was blind. Maybe I had walked in on a blind date. Maybe we had been pen pals and had never met. Maybe she had only seen me in the dark. She was less than ten feet away and moving closer. I felt surely she would see that I was an impostor within an instant.

Wrong again. This lovely lass was about to embrace me, obviously believing me to be her steady boyfriend. I dizzily wished for a moment that I were. I fought the thought away to preserve my sanity. This could not be happening. She was not acting. This was not a joke. She bounced to within hugging range and moved in close for a kiss. I shrank away like a snail who had encountered a grain of salt. She was horrified. My coldness had come to her as a slap in the face. I too, was horrified too. I felt sick. For the space of a few seconds all motion and sound in the room stopped. She was hurt. Her dad was hurt for her. Her mom was hurt for both of them and suspicious of me. I was scared. With the possible exception of myself, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that Robert was acting damn weirdly today and was probably about to break up with Amy. What a sonofabitch this Robert was, somebody ought to beat the crap out of him for taking advantage of her. Amy gazed desperately into my eyes, searching for some explanation. I could see the betrayed look of a young girl who suspected her lover had been discovered drunk, in a house of prostitution.

Good God.

I spent the next few minutes in a cold sweat, explaining my identity to everyone in the room. Amy did not take it well at all. Her eyes grew huge and her mouth hung open. She sat down hard, head shaking. Her father must have been a religious man. His expression was one of enlightened wisdom - that of a person who had been witness to a miracle. God was showing them guys like Robert were a dime a dozen - or at least three for a dollar. Amy's mother became excited as they talked about my meeting Robert. She brought me iced tea and began to fuss over me. Amy kept staring at me and was very quiet. I wanted out of there. Now. As best I could tell, I was less than ten minutes away from meeting myself head-on in the form of Robert. I regret to this day not having done so, but at the age of nineteen I was not in the least prepared for such an experience. Amy's mother excitedly cajoled for me to remain. Her father was passively enthusiastic. Amy was passively not so sure. I was absolutely certain. Despite pleas from her mother for me to remain, I left the house as gracefully and quickly as I could. It felt like leaving home. I walked in a daze until I stopped trembling. The encyclopedia business was definitely taking something out of me.

When the Texas heat finally baked some warmth into me, I sat down on a street corner. I have no idea how long I sat there. I must have been praying, holding my head in my hands. "Are you OK son?" I looked up. It was a cop. He was concerned that I might be having a heat stroke. On any other day I could have handled the situation with no problem. On this particular day and at that particular moment, I couldn't have handled buying a Coke from a vending machine. Since I had no local door-to-door sales permit and was unable to carry on a normal conversation, I wasted most of the night as a guest of the City of Temple in one of their newly painted jail cells. I spent the time thinking about Amy and her family until our crew foreman came and bailed me out. I didn't even try to explain. He knew enough not to ask. I suspected that Temple, Texas had had a noticeable effect on the rest of the crew as well.